Read · 4 min
Talking about sex
Talking about what you want, what you do not want and what has changed usually improves sex more than any technique. When to bring it up, how to start and which words to use.
Why it is so hard
Plenty of people can have sex with someone and still not manage to talk about sex with that same person. The fear is similar for almost everyone: hurting them, seeming demanding, hearing criticism, finding out the other person is unhappy. So there is silence, and the hope that the other person will guess.
But nobody guesses. Couples who talk about sex, even clumsily, tend to be more satisfied, both in bed and in the relationship as a whole. You do not need perfect words. You need to start, and to accept that the first attempts will come out a bit crooked.
The right time and place
Avoid having the conversation in bed, straight after sex that did not go well. At that moment you are both vulnerable, and anything you say sounds like a verdict. The same goes for the middle of an argument or when one of you is heading out of the door. Pick a calm moment with time to spare, ideally while doing something else together: walking, cooking, in the car. Talking side by side is often easier than face to face.
Give some warning so the other person is not caught off guard: "I would like to talk about our sex life, nothing serious, it is because I care about you and I want it to be good for both of us". That one sentence takes away a lot of the fear for the person hearing it.
How to start and what to say
Start with what works. "I love it when you..." opens the door better than "you never...". Then talk about yourself, not the other person: "I have been wanting more affection first" instead of "you go straight to it". Ask for one thing at a time, something concrete you can try next time.
For what you do not want, be clear and do not apologise: "I do not enjoy that" or "that is not for me" is enough. A no to a particular act is not a no to the person. About frequency, swap the scorecard ("it has been three weeks") for desire ("I miss you"). With fantasies, go slowly and make it clear that sharing is not asking. Talking about a fantasy does not oblige anyone to act it out.
Listening is part of talking
When it is your turn to listen, the hardest part is not defending yourself. If your partner says they would like something different, the urge is to reply "but I already do that". Hold that answer back and ask: "what would that be like for you?" or "will you show me?". Repeating in your own words what you understood ("so you would like us to go slower at the start, is that right?") avoids misunderstandings and shows you are really there.
You may hear something that stings. It is fine to ask for a pause: "I need to think about this, can we come back to it tomorrow?". What matters is coming back. One big conversation rarely settles everything. Several small ones, over months, work better.
Words, signals and limits
Many people freeze because they do not know which words to use. Some sound too clinical, others too crude. Agree on your own words with your partner, even if they are pet names. During sex, short phrases work well: "like that", "slower", "stop". Gestures speak too: guiding a hand, changing position, a sound that says this is good.
If the subject always ends in a fight, or one of you feels pressured into things you do not want, it is worth looking for couples therapy or sex therapy. And if there is fear of the other person’s reaction, threats or sex without consent, that is not a communication problem. It is a situation where you need protection and support, and the help area of the app shows who to turn to.
Educational content. Not a substitute for professional care.