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Sexual orientation: finding yourself in your own time
Gay, lesbian, bi, asexual or still without a word for what you feel: what we know about sexual orientation, why trying to "change" it causes harm, and how to tell someone safely, if and when you want to.
What sexual orientation is
Sexual orientation is who you are attracted to, romantically, sexually or both: people of the same gender, of another gender, of more than one gender, or hardly anyone at all. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual and asexual are some of the words people use. They are there to help you understand yourself and find people like you, not to squeeze you into a box.
Many people realise it clearly as teenagers. Others only realise at 30, at 40 or after a marriage. It is also common to spend a while not knowing, with thoughts like "am I bi or is this just a phase?". There is no deadline and no test. You do not need to have had sexual experiences to know, and you can take as long as you need to give it a name, or to give it none.
Not a choice, not an illness
Nobody decides who they will be attracted to, in the same way nobody chooses to feel hungry. Being gay, lesbian, bi or asexual is a common variation of human sexuality. It was removed from medical lists of illnesses decades ago, and there is nothing to treat in the orientation itself.
So-called conversion therapy, whether it happens in a clinic, a church or at home, does not change anyone’s orientation. What it produces, according to the research, is more shame, depression, isolation and suicide attempts. If someone offers it to you, or if you have been through it, the problem was the method, not you. A good psychologist helps you live well as who you are, never to stop being it.
The weight of living with prejudice
LGBT people have more anxiety and depression than average, and the reason is not their orientation. It is what researchers call minority stress: hearing jokes since childhood, hiding who you love at work, watching every gesture in the street, expecting rejection before it even arrives. That constant alertness is exhausting, and over time the exhaustion turns into symptoms.
Some of that prejudice ends up getting inside us. It shows up as "I shouldn’t be like this" or "if I were normal, my life would be easier". When that thought comes, ask where it came from. Almost always it is a sentence you heard from someone else, not a conclusion of your own. Noticing this does not erase the pain, but it takes away its look of truth.
Telling someone, on your terms
Coming out is not a single event. It is a series of decisions: who to tell, when and how much. You do not owe it to anyone. If you depend financially on a family that might react with violence or throw you out, it can make sense to wait until you are more independent. Protecting yourself is not cowardice and it is not lying.
When you decide to tell someone, start with the person most likely to be accepting: a friend, a cousin, someone who has talked about the subject with respect. Pick a quiet place and a simple sentence, such as "I want to tell you something important about me: I’m bisexual". Expect a confused reaction at first. Many parents move from shock to acceptance over months, and family acceptance is linked to much better mental health in the years that follow.
Faith, community and help
If you grew up in a religion, the conflict can hurt a lot. Some people find welcoming faith communities, some rethink their faith, some step away. None of these paths is compulsory, and none has to be decided today. You do not have to choose right now between your faith and yourself.
Having a few people you can be your whole self with protects your mental health. Social groups, LGBT organisations, accepting friends and well-moderated online communities make a difference. See a psychologist if distress is taking over your days. And get help today if thoughts of dying or hurting yourself appear: the support step of this track shows the crisis contacts.
Educational content. Not a substitute for professional care.