Grief: what to expect and what helps

Grief is what love looks like after a loss

Losing someone important shifts the whole world. Grief is the natural response to that loss: it is not an illness, it is not weakness, and it has no deadline. It shows how deep the bond was.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people cry a lot and some hardly cry, some want to talk all the time and some need quiet. None of these ways is wrong, and none of them says how much you loved the person who died.

How it tends to show up

Sadness and longing sit at the heart of grief, but they rarely come alone. There can be shock and a sense that it is not real, guilt about things left unsaid, anger at the situation, at other people or even at the person who died, relief after a long illness and, right after it, guilt for feeling relieved.

The body feels it too. Tiredness, sleep that does not rest you, eating much less or much more, a tight chest and trouble concentrating are common in the first weeks and months. Forgetting things and losing your thread mid-sentence are part of it, and they usually ease with time.

It comes in waves

Grief rarely follows a straight line or neat stages. It comes in waves: one day feels lighter and the next a song, a smell or a date brings everything back with full force. That does not mean you have gone backwards.

It can help to think of two movements that take turns. At some moments you face the loss: you remember, you cry, you miss them. At others you look after the life that goes on: work, bills, children, a coffee with someone. Both are needed, and moving between them is healthy.

Laughing, having a good day or making plans is not a betrayal of the person who died. Over time the pain usually becomes less sharp and less frequent, and life grows around it. The bond does not end: it changes shape and lives on in your memories.

What tends to help

Talking about the person helps. Say their name, tell stories, look at photos with others who miss them too. If talking is hard, writing them a letter about what you wanted to say often eases what has been held in.

Look after the basics, even without the urge to: eat at regular times, try to go to bed and get up around the same time, and walk outdoors for a while. Be careful with alcohol to sleep or to forget, because it worsens sleep and mood. If you can, put off big decisions, such as moving house, until you feel steadier.

Accept help and ask for concrete things: a meal, company on a hard day, someone to sort out a form. Dates such as birthdays and holidays tend to weigh more, so it is worth planning how and with whom you will spend them.

When to get help

See a health professional if, after many months, intense longing still fills nearly every day, if you cannot get back to work, to looking after your home or the people around you, or if life feels like it has lost all meaning. This harder, prolonged grief can be treated, and talking therapy helps a lot. Bereavement support groups make a difference too.

If thoughts of hurting yourself, of not wanting to live or of joining the person who died come up, do not wait. Talk to someone you trust now and get urgent help. The help area of the app shows the crisis contacts where you live.